You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Randomize
