Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
