if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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