Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
