dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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