I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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