i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
