i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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