I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
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