What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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