I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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