that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
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