oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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