I have demons in me.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
high people should be assigned attendants
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
