So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Randomize
