Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
