Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
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