at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
