Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
