The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
