when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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