I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
