Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
This is classic penis vs brain.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
