you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
