Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
My liver just had a heart attack.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
