Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
i already hear my dad disowning me
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Randomize
