just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
