So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Randomize
