ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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