I'm gonna have a badass scar
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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