Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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