just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
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