Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
