i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
