found the other keg... it's in the tree
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
