Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
