my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
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