Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I met the friendliest cop last night
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
