I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Randomize
