Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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