The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Randomize
