I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
