The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
