I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
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