My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Randomize
