I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
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