It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
