i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
I checked into jail on foursquare
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
