Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
