Fine. I'll sleep in my office
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
