did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
