Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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