My underwear smells like fireworks.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
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