don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
