I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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