I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
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